Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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