Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
