Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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