he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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