She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
