whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Small penises have feelings too.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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