please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
