you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
