Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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