i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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