you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
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