You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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