Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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