you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I don't deserve a penis
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
