My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
