Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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