I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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