I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
