i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Randomize
