On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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