When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
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Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
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Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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