I hate your face
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
My feet surprised me
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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