Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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