When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
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