3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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