Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
