some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
