I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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