I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize