i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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