Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
