Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
