The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
