Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot