Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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