I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me