Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
