Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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