I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
