it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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