I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
