everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
