Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
