Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
