Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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