I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
