Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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