Just fell off a train. Bad.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
