It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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