I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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