I CAN MOONWALK!
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
