so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I booty called her while she was in labor.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
