I just pynch a tree in the face
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
