she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
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