he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
