i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
