thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
