i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
