I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
