At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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