so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
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he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
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He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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