i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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