You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
