meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
