It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
