I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Smaller, yet meaner.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
We left the knife in your bed.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too