i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.