well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
