I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"